Today is Luca's first birthday. It's pretty incredible to imagine
what we were doing exactly a year ago at this time. The main goal of your child's first year is survival for all parties involved. So in that case, we have succeeded.
Living in a state of perpetual disarray and exhaustion leaves little time for reflection. In the last year, both Julia and I have definitely pushed ourselves too hard and taken on too much. Poor Julia has had to work what is basically a full time job, while few of her mom friends (all of whom can afford more childcare) have had to work at all.
Since Luca was born, I have taken sleep deprivation and caffeine addiction to frightening heights. Doing freelance work at 3AM knowing I'd be up with the baby in a few hours used to give me a rush of delusional invincibility. Now it just feels irresponsible and neglectful. Fortunately we are both taking steps towards healthier routines.
But time and exhaustion melt away when I get to spend time with Luca. I was excited to be a father, but had no idea of the intensity of the love that comes along with it. It might sound presumptuous or preachy, but you really have no idea of how intense, terrifying and all-encompassing love can be until you hold your sleeping child. I can't imagine anything being more redefining than parenthood.
Luca is now running, eating all sorts of food and making all sorts of sounds. He can't say any actual words yet, but he responds to things like "cheese?" (which he loves) and "do you want to turn off the light?" (he likes to reach up and pull the cord). He has been yelling and growling a lot over the last week or so, which will hopefully just be a short feral phase.
We owe a big thank you to our family and friends for all their support and understanding, especially those with whom we have (temporarily) lost touch. As Luca's awareness of the world and his role in it continues to develop, I feel grateful knowing how much love is waiting for him.
