if taglines were honest

iPod: It’ll break in a year, but by then you’ll want the new one.

Apple: You think you need it, we know you just want it.

Ikea: One day you’ll be able to afford real furniture.

Hummer: Get the attention you’ve always craved. While filling up the gas tank again.

Taco Bell: You’re drunk and we’re still open.

Zipcar: So convenient that you’ll ignore the high rates AND the dog hair.

Southwest Airlines: On your marks, get set, find a seat!

UHaul: We don’t guarantee availability because we can get away with it.

PopTarts: Until you realize how disgusting they are, we’ll keep making them.

Ben and Jerry’s: Whoah, dude, did you eat that whole thing?

Krispy Kreme: Less filling, just as fattening.

McDonalds: Always a good idea. Until afterwards.

Starbucks: Long lines, high prices and the best legal high available.


Like what you read? Find out more about me.

ugh

constipated baby + teething baby = minimal AM grooming + wearing a hat to work

juiced

Caffeine is a performance-enhancing drug. There should be an asterisk next to everything I’ve written in the last year.

feeding time

sure, go ahead

After five months, our standards of who we will let hold the baby have gradually declined from “fully washed and sterilized immediate family members” to “any waitress that seems sober enough.”

seven things I learned while watching the movie 300

1. Spartans were total bad-asses. The men of all the other Greek city-states were wusses.

2. When a warrior king makes love to his queen for the last time before going off to die in battle, he must do so in as many positions as possible.

3. If you’re a Spartan warrior packing for several days of intense warfare, you’ll need the following: sword, shield, helmet, cape, thong, comfortable shoes (optional).

4. In stark contrast to most Greek men, Spartan warriors had no body hair.

5. The children of Sparta were allowed to run about freely, despite the presence of a giant pit of death in the middle of city.

6. The Persian Empire was once ruled by a half-god, half-RuPaul.

7. A disfigured hunchback wannabe-Spartan warrior sold out the greatest army in history so he could participate in a Persian orgy.

missing the point

I saw someone in a coffee shop today reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and while I haven’t read the book, I’m guessing that one of these habits is not “hanging out in coffee shops sipping tea on a weekday while reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”.

bigger

the songs I sing to my son as reviewed by an anonymous music critic

title: Little Boy, Little Baby Boy
release date: July 2007
best performed: nighttime, pre-nap
review:

The artist’s first original composition, what Little Boy lacks in creativity it makes up for in earnestness. The lyrics follow the gradual development of a theme/motif, not unlike that of a raga or sonata, and are intended to lull the listener into a dreamlike state. There seems to be a strong divide between those who “get” this song and those who don’t (comparisons to the polarizing nature of Phish are warranted). This is evidenced no better than by the artist’s own father, who, when subjected to endless repetitions through a baby monitor, commented, “That song needs a bridge.” Regardless, the strong sentimentality factor makes Little Boy a safe bet to age better than the bulk of this artist’s work. The inclusion of the track on the “Original Lullabies of 2007” compilation is worth noting.

title: The Wheels on The Bus
release date: June 2007
best performed: in a crisis
review:

As the only cover in this artist’s portfolio, Wheels pays homage to the previous generation and all that their songs made possible. But what makes this rendition so unique is the inclusion of Luca-speak. You might know that the wheels on the bus go round and round, but did you know that Luca on the bus goes “ayo, ayo, ayo”? Didn’t think so. The highly choreographed leg and arm movements that accompany the song make this a workout for both performer and audience. Despite being part of the public domain, the State Court of New York recently ruled that the song must retain it’s original name – the artist had attempted to title his version “Please don’t fucking cry.”

title: Ceiling Fan
release date: August 2007
best performed: when near the ceiling fan
review:

By far the most creative and genre-defying work this artist has put out, Ceiling Fan is more than deserving of all it’s awards and accolades. The song praises that classic bit of baby eye-candy, the ceiling fan, but takes things a step further. Here the ceiling fan does more than just go round and round (like the wheels on a certain large yellow automobile), it becomes a friend, a mentor, someone to look up to: mister ceiling fan/he is the man/it’s the ceiling fan/he always understands. Equal parts blaxploitation soundtrack and seventies musical, Ceiling Fan just makes you want to get up and get down.

title: Part of Being Human is Wearing Clothes
release date: October 2007
best performed: when the baby doesn’t want to be dressed (i.e., always)
review:

Good artists find a formula and stick with it, but great artists are never afraid to push boundaries. Such is the case with Wearing Clothes, an ambitious and at times preachy concept-song. The jury is still out on how the public will view this bold change of artistic direction, but much like the work of U2, the medium appears to have become the message here. Artistry has clearly taken a backseat to the desperate and timely message that putting on clothes is just something we all have to do. Integrity aside, one wonders how loyal fans will accept the questionable rhyming of “clothes” and “flamingoes.”

overheard in an elevator

man on cellphone:

"I got a question."

[pause]

"What happens to you when you eat chocolate?"

[pause]

"Are you just itchy, that's all?"

[gets off elevator]

conversation in the pediatrician's office

girl: [referring to child I'm playing with] That's my brother.

me: Oh, really?

girl: He has a ringworm.

me: [goes to wash hands]