Wednesday, May 09, 2007

we are starbucks

You don’t have to work in advertising to spot a vapid, unimaginative campaign, but it does make one all the more glaring. Such is the case with Starbucks’ shameless new "I am Starbucks" PR fluff-piece - a campaign only eclipsed in hackiness and unoriginality by the "How do you [name of product]?" campaign (as evidenced here).

Is Starbucks really fooling anyone? Seriously, what’s the point? As a means of helping them better understand (and market to) their customer, I offer the following:

"I am an unemployed freelance designer. I've checked my email 78 times today. I'm on my third cup of coffee. I am Starbucks."

"I'm homeless. It's warm in here. I am Starbucks."

"I had to go to the bathroom. I am Starbucks."

"I’m reading a well-reviewed contemporary novel, trying to look hip. I’m wearing a beret to hide my bald spot. Hopefully one of these young women will talk to me. I am Starbucks."

"I know I’m supposed to boycott large corporations and all, but regular coffee just isn’t strong enough anymore. I am Starbucks."

"This is what passes for culture in my suburb. I am Starbucks."


Anonymous ileen said...

I could be on the poster for the bathroom line - that's the only reason I go to Starbucks. It helps if you don't drink coffee.

10:53 AM  
Blogger tarable said...

I worked as a barista, in a Starbucks with a drive-through, making lattes for people I hated. Now when I go into such a store, I get physically sick from the mental trauma that I endured there. I am Starbucks.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm a mom with a kid screaming for chocolate milk in the back seat. I'm still in my pajamas and I haven't brushed my hair. I love the drive-thru. I am Starbucks.

I hate when the baristas are making jokes and trying to engage me in witty conversation at 7:45 in the morning when I HAVEN'T HAD MY COFFEE YET. I am Starbucks.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous O.G. said...

You are not Starbucks. I am Starbucks.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Starbucks. Open your wallet and surrender your money. Your life savings and child's college fund will be added to our pockets. Our culture you will adopt to service us. Resistance Is Futile. You will be assimilated.

5:51 PM  
Anonymous paul haine said...

I'm Starbucks and so's my wife.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous consumatron said...

I know the barista who works mornings at the downtown location. He gives me free coffee. What? You think I'd actually pay three bucks for this shit? I am Starbucks.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I work 18 hours a day -including my 8.5 hour shift as a Barista- to barely make ends meet. I am Starbucks.

8:47 PM  
Blogger pasquinade said...

I'm Dirk and I was in the original version of Battlestar Galactica in the '80s. They have some chick playin' me in the new one. I am Starbuck!

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laugh at Mr. Venti 3-shot 2% upside-down 179-degree no-foam caramel macchiato...and sometimes I laugh for no reason at all: I am Starbucks.

1:56 PM  
Blogger brandon said...

I am a sucker. I am Starbucks.

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a snobby douche bag that drives a passat to be hip. I spend 8.79 on a cup of coffee but still have to spend my time alone. I am Starbucks

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am star struck. I am starbucks.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Major-General said...

I am over-priced, burned crap from a machine that never gets cleaned given to me by someone who thinks I should be enamoured of it when all I need is caffiene. I am Starbu...forget it, I'm going to Peet's.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I am Spartacus!

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I make coffee @ home for pennies a cup but I put it in Starbucks cups I bought off of Ebay.

I look like I am Starbucks.

12:43 AM  
Blogger christopher said...

Dirk Benedict to Katee Sackhoff "I AM the original Starbuck."

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pfft. Everyone knows that those GD lingerers never make it to the third cup of coffee.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Jrod said...

I am sipping my triple vente fair-trade chocolate soy misto non-fat latte whilst I look down my nose at you. I am right over your shoulder. I am passive-aggressive. I might follow you home.

I am Starbucks.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a small Latin American country who ceased growing food for my people in exchange for complete dependence on the coffee trade. I am Starbucks.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 17 year old girl and these are my friends. We don't know where to find drugs, and are afraid to try, honestly. This is the best we can do. Another mocha, please. We are Starbucks.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Jrod said...

I am Omnipresent.
I am Watching you.
I am Starbucks.

11:39 AM  
Blogger John Stracke said...

I am a coffee bean, seed of future life. I have been roasted alive, ground to powder, placed in boiling water, and discarded. I am Starbucks.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous A.J. said...

When gasoline hits 4 bucks I am Maxwell House!

5:27 PM  
Blogger -idogcow said...

Hello.You killed my father. Prepare to die. I am Starbucks.

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Sam said...

I am Sam.
Sam I am.
I'm suing for copyright infringement!

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Popeye said...

I yam what I yam.

Let's make it a class action.

7:07 AM  
Anonymous smiling barista said...

i want an EXTRA 2 pumps of that MOCHA SYRUP, but make sure you use NON FAT milk, because that cancels it out, right?

my husband doesnt pay attention to me. my children dont listen to me. my job makes me feel worthless. i need you to serve me, and put my splenda in my cup even though i could easily do it myself at the condiment bar, because THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I GET TO BE IN CONTROL AND BE TREATED LIKE I DESERVE GOD DAMNIT. (besides whenever i climb into my huge suv/suburban so i can cut off whomever i please and excuse myself from basic driving procedures such as using turn signals, yielding to on-coming traffic during a left turn, checking my blind spot before changing lanes, and waiting for an appropriately-sized space in moving traffic before merging with said traffic from a perpendicular street)

*I* am Starbucks

6:23 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I call myself a Barista because "minimum wage coffee pourer" doesn't sound trendy enough. I am starbucks.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am a sixteen year old girl who wears abercrombie and surfs myspace every day. i just got my license, but i have nowhere to go but here. i have no friends or self-esteem....but i do have a grande caramel macchiato. i am starbucks.

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Leonitus said...


1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

im jacked up on perkisets and caffine just to serve you,
im trying to fit your essay of an order on a paper cup while attempting to engage you in an intelligible conversation,
im surrounded by employees no more interesting then the preteens i serve,
im drowning in a sea of hormonal soccer moms

i am a barista at starbucks

10:55 PM  
Blogger Monica Hamburg said...

The "I am homeless" one is a classic. Thanks.

I offer the following:
"I like being seen in public with my laptop. I am Starbucks."

2:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a barista working for the fourth largest coffee shop chain. I am Starbucks' competition.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Steev said...

I'm Starbucks!

No, I'm Starbucks, & so's my Dad!

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Starbuckticus!

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm just here for the coffee -- no lifestyle, no merchandise, and even less attitude than those that hate the place because it is successful. Sure, I'm Starbucks.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous lgriff said...

luke i am your

6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm hip because I bash successful companies. Of course I have several friends who work there because the benefits are actually really good, and Janie my friend wouldn't have gotten antibiotics for her last bout of pneumonia without the healthcare coverage. But I'm still gonna jump on the "I hate capitalism" bandwagon because I'm a naive pseudo-social-liberal.

I am sooooo NOT Starbucks.
Down with jobs, down with healthy, functioning economies...up with socialism!!!! Yaaayyyy.

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I am sparticus!!! ...I mean starbucks...

6:36 PM  
Blogger PensivePopulist said...

I am a conservative. I find people I hate at Starbucks, label them liberal, and then use this straw man to stereotype the entire movement. I think a perfectly functioning economy includes the lowest life expectancy, highest infant mortality rate, greatest inequality and lowest labor standards in the western world. My Starbucks are worth far less than the euro.

9:17 PM  
Anonymous baldkat82 said...

Ah lonestar, I see your starbucks is as big as mine.

9:28 PM  
Anonymous Canucklehead said...

I work a dead end job in a 4x4 foot cubicle. My job produces little to no results and I get by only on the food provided at meetings and the thought of sweet escape that only suicide can offer. I drink cheap booze during most of my homelife to drown out the chatter of my loving family. Regular coffee won't cut it anymore and every morning I long for a suckle at nuturing teat that only a bold can provide ... I am Starbucks.

ps - shit that was depressing, please do not notify authorities - only a fictional presentation based on the people in line with me. cheers!

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a barista who serves fat soccer moms and moustached NASCAR dads in a lame Southern town. Nobody can pronounce the words "Caramel Macchiato" properly. My co-workers are imbeciles who make drinks about as well as nuns fuck.

I am Starbucks.

11:17 PM  
OpenID organicchemical said...

I would rather drink Dutch Bros. if I'm going to drink bad coffee and I only go to Starbucks when someone else is buying. I am Starbucks.

12:54 AM  
Anonymous el matador said...

I'm Ron Starbucks?

1:27 AM  
Anonymous m-vic said...

I order a caramel macchiato, when I really mean a caramel latte. I annoy the shit out of the baristas if I accidentally go to a real coffee shop. I am Starbucks.

1:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Help me. The Cylons are out to get me.

PS. I am Starbuck.

2:40 AM  
Anonymous B-Dog said...

I like strong, bitter, slightly burnt coffee, and I'm too lazy to make it myself. Poseurs, assholes and imbeciles can be found anywhere. If you buy anything, chances are you are supporting large corporations. Oh, and it was probably made in China by a 12-year-old.

All the picking aside, the ad still sucks.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a barista who can't get a god reference because I didn't upsell enough. Thanks to how I feel about Starbucks, and the people I dealt with on a regular baisis I now have a negative disposition towards people who drink coffee. I am Starbucks.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm on my way to class, driving the Suburban that my father bought for me because he thinks size equals safety. I've been up all night working, I'm only running on 2 hours of sleep. Deadlines, due dates, meetings. I spend $55 filling up the tank up for the drive, his money not mine; then glance around the strip mall and notice a Starbucks. I don't care who is inside, I don't look at anyone, I'm not judging or being pretentious. Medium coffee please, with space for milk: $1.50. The Baristis gives me a smile with a side of flirt. Hell, I'll take a muffin too. I leave a tip. I return to my car and, holding a warm coffee cup in my lap, resume my day with a slightly better outlook. I am Starbucks, I supported big business, and you can all be high and mighty straight to hell.

11:42 AM  
OpenID wishkey said...

I am a babysitter seeking refuge from snotty little bastards before I throttle their small screaming throats. They hate coffee. I am Starbucks.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Dunkin Donuts.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I went to Panera, somebody's rugmonkey was screaming loud enough to puncture eardrums. The fireplace was on, although it's 60 degrees F today. None of the free tables were clean.

Just this once, I am Starbucks.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous sanetv said...

OMG! That guy behind the counter is hot. OMG! OMG! It's him! It's Ben Browder! Or is that Michael Shanks? I can't tell from the back! Should I try to talk to him? I mean, these places make it okay to talk to strangers, right? It's like a big living room, and we are all friends at a party! SO I guess it's okay, I'm not really bothering anyone, right?

I's the name of this place again?

drools and faints into her mocha

12:16 PM  
Blogger Andrew D'Auria said...

I actually have no problem with big corporations. I DO have a problem with taking perfectly good, 100% Arabica coffee beans and roasting them to the point where you can't tell the difference between Kenya AA, Sumatra, Costa Rican, or straight charcoal. Get yourself a $10 popcorn popper and some green beans from - then you'll know why I hate Starbucks. But their bathrooms are a Godsend when I am on the road for business...

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am surprise-starbucksex!

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Starbucks Girl UK said...

I am the barista who gives you full fat milk when you asked for skimmed because you didn't say thank you, you threw your money down on the counter when my hand was quite ready to accept it, you were on the your phone for the entire transaction, and you take me for granted. I am Starbucks.

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Starbucks Girl UK said...

I am the starbucks girl, in my green apron and black uniform, wearing glasses yes I am checking you out. Everytime I think of you, you come in and get your tall americano or your single espresso. I always charge you less and give a double instead of a single, thinking maybe you will pick up on it. You are gorgeous and I fancy the pants off you. As I finish work and walk through the arrivals hall there you are, right in front of me. I finally meet you and you introduce yourself. The next day you are in the seating area but you didn't come get your coffee, so I took you one and paid for it myself. 10 months later I am in love with you. I am Starbucks

3:15 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I've read all the comments in an effort to see just how Starbucks I am.
I am Starbucks.

2:47 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I AGREE WITH WHAT ileen said...
I could be on the poster for the bathroom line - that's the only reason I go to Starbucks. It helps if you don't drink coffee.

It has the same effect on me.

12:21 PM  

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