Tuesday, October 24, 2006

a chair and a couch

I used to shop in thrift stores on a weekly basis. My sister got me into it, and we would drive as far as an hour away to hit the best places. We’d roll up our sleeves and dig through the racks, ignoring the smells and making each other laugh by putting on ridiculous stuff. We’d mostly buy clothes, with the occasional wall-hanging or incense burner thrown in as well.

In the Spring of 95 I moved into a dumpy little house in D.C. with a bunch of friends. Since I had found the place, I got the coveted first room choice and took the basement. There was a tiny room in the corner (just big enough for a mattress and a pile of dirty laundry) and a little bathroom, but other than that, the basement was a big, square carpeted room that needed to be furnished.

I knew a little thrift store in Northeast D.C. that had great seventies furniture, so I headed over to see what I could scrape up. That day I scored two great finds: a brown corduroy couch with floppy, attached cushions for $12.12, and a round, swiveling, thin-striped cushioned chair with a wood-paneled back for $7.07.

After setting up my drum kit in the corner next to a stereo, I now had the ultimate basement lounge. Almost every weekend we’d have parties, highlighted by our band playing in the basement. The most coveted seats for these performances (often just one extended jam) were on the couch, which had by this point been dubbed "The Low Rider," due to its absence of any support mechanism under the bottom cushions. Sitting on The Low Rider, you hovered about six inches above the floor, and getting up took tremendous effort.

A year later I left to spend the summer working at a performing arts camp in Michigan and stored the chair and the couch in my parents’ garage. They stayed there the following semester while I lived at home and studied Jazz Performance at the local community college.

In the winter I left for Berklee, and had to break up the tandem, electing to bring only the chair. On sleepless nights during my tumultuous first semester, I’d sit in the chair and stare at the Prudential building, swiveling back and forth, listening to music.

The following summer I rented a Uhaul to bring a bunch of old drums and the couch up to Boston from my parents’ house. In what remains to this day as my greatest feat of strength, I single-handedly dragged the couch up four flights of stairs and down the hall to the kitchen/dining room/living room.

When two of my roommates and I moved to the bad side of Mission Hill in the Fall, I brought the couch and the chair. The chair stayed in my room, while the couch sat in the living room, serving as somewhere for my roommate Jeff’s friends to crash, many of whom are now touring and performing all over the world.

A year and another apartment later, Julia and I moved in together and she put her foot down: the chair could stay but the couch had to go. This was fine by me, since it had gotten to be a little embarrassing by this point, like a Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits album or a Corona baja.

Before I moved out of what would be my final group-living situation, I dragged the couch out of our building and flipped it over the railing of our front porch, where it landed awkwardly wedged against a fence. In any other city at any other time of the year, this would be seen as littering or dumping, but in Boston on Moving Day (9/1) it meant one thing: this is up for grabs. It was gone in an hour.

Like an old cat that won’t die but kind of fades into the background, the chair just kept hanging around. When we left Boston it stayed in Julia parents’ garage for a few months, and then surprisingly made the cut and accompanied us to Iowa. It held a prime spot in our living room next to the bookshelves and underneath the wandering jew, where the late afternoon sunlight seemed to hang forever.

Two years later it yet again proved its staying power, avoiding yard-sale status and making the trek back to the East Coast and into a storage facility, where it sat amongst the usual suspects of books, records and drums.

Now married, a few months later we moved to Brooklyn and brought the chair, along with enough furnishings for three apartments, with us. A huge couch that couldn’t fit through the door had to be left on the corner, where I would dump many of our possessions in the middle of the night over the following week. Despite the intense negotiations and accusations that only a move can bring on, once again, the chair was spared.

A year later, the chair made the journey across the great Gowanus Canal to a brownstone in Carroll Gardens. Somehow, within the coming months we decided it was time to let it go. We didn’t even put much thought into the decision, which seems odd now. I think we eventually decided that it was either the chair or Julia’s grandmother’s chaise lounge (a piece of furniture that has since served as little more than a piling place for Julia’s clothes) that had to go, with the chaise lounge winning out via the sentimentality factor.

I gave the chair to my lifelong friend Gabe, who lived with a few people in Park Slope. It joined a mismatched collection of chairs and couches in a common room. Fitting that the thing would live out its twilight years around a large group of people where it could get a lot of attention.

I never really took the time to appreciate the chair’s lifespan until today, when I was prompted by a friend’s blog entry about a chair of his. It’s pretty incredible how many phases of my life that thing saw me through (five apartments, four states, two garages, one storage facility), and how many people from those phases enjoyed it’s swiveling comfort. Best $7.07 I ever spent.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

a few thoughts



This morning I saw a man smoking a cigarette while having a loud argument with someone who was not there. I always say that the angry schizophrenics aren’t the people you should be afraid of (they’re already mad at someone else), it’s the quiet people with shifty eyes you need to look out for. But this guy was different. If you’re smoking a cigarette, that means you have to have been lucid enough to buy a pack or bum one off somebody, which surely you can’t do while arguing with the voices in your head. This man was simultaneously existing in two worlds: the known and the unknown. Does this make him superhuman or just crazy-light? Either way, I wouldn’t mess with that dude.

Last night I went back to my acupuncturist for the first time in about a year. Back when I was having some un-diagnosable GI issues, Julia convinced me to try acupuncture. I begrudgingly gave in after making snide comments about not wanting to be forced to find my animal spirit or receive henna tattoos, but I was pleasantly surprised. There is nothing quite like lying alone in a low-lit room listening ambient, droning music, your body vibrating from head to toe (literally) from all the needles. It is a high like no other. At least until your acupuncturist comes in to burn some moxa over the pain in your side, and the two of you start talking about what’s wrong with the Yankees. Then it’s just really weird.

Every Thursday night I have my nonfiction writing workshop. The instructor is great, and I’ve learned a lot about the unique aspects of nonfiction writing (recollection, recreating dialogue, creating distance between who you were "then" and who you are now, etc.). The discussion is lively, critical, occasionally philosophical – all the things a good workshop should be. Immediately afterwards, I rush home to watch The Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV, and bounce up and down on the couch with excitement while two guys beat the crap out of each other for a shot at a six-figure UFC contract. I challenge anyone to present me with a better high-culture/low-culture evening.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

i don't usually do this kind of thing, but i've been "tagged"



1. Three people who make me laugh:
my sister
Dave Attell
Ali G.

2. Three things I can do:
origami
fake modern dance
a mean monkey impersonation

3. Three things I can't do:
keep a straight face
find things in the apartment
sit comfortably in a movie theater or play

4. Three things I'm doing right now:
rapidly tapping my left leg from drinking way too much coffee
checking my email every thirty seconds to see if I get an interview for the dream job I just applied for
looking at the monkey on my desk

5. Three things I want to do before I die:
visit Brazil and Cuba
drive across country alone in a 4x4 with a kickin’ sound system
buy Julia a house with a big garden

6. Three things I hate the most:
the fact that people in New York never say "excuse me"
cubicles
seasonal decoration

7. Three things that scare me:
pretty much any physically imposing man
horses
most social gatherings

8. Three things I don't understand:
economics
science
the appeal of Adam Sandler

9. Three skills I'd like to learn:
to (really) play the piano
Korean cooking
public speaking

10. Three ways to describe my personality:
inconsistent
agreeable to a fault
like de ja vu: sometimes there, then gone in an instant

11. Three things I think you should listen to:
my dad playing piano
more live music
a midnight thunderstorm in Iowa

12. Three things you should never listen to:
the 4/5 train entering or exiting Union Square
Rod Stewart
self doubt

13. Three favorite foods:
pernil with yellow rice and red beans
pho
sushi

14. Three beverages I drink regularly:
espresso
water
cheap red wine

15. Three shows I watch a lot:
The Ultimate Fighter
BCAT
whatever basketball is on TV

16. Three people I'm tagging to do this:
soapy t
south oxford
fussy rice seeds

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

a list of fake scientific facts I made up that sound true if read in an authoritative voice



• Seven percent of human beings are allergic to water.
• One of your kidneys is at least four times the size of the other.
• Three percent of all butterflies become caterpillars again.
• The occurrence of hydroplaning has never been successfully scientifically proven.
• Pigeons score higher than dolphins on virtually every aptitude and intelligence test.
• Left-handed people cannot distinguish between lavender and purple.
• There are ten times the amount of germs on a clean fork than there are on the average penny.
• More people die from choking on gumballs than car accidents.
• One third of all lactose intolerant people experience the condition psychosomatically.
• While in heat, female crickets can hear for a three mile radius.

randomly spotted in the window of a daycare center

Thursday, October 12, 2006

every breath I take



I spent large portions of yesterday and the day before waiting for and enduring assorted medical procedures, including a series of x-rays, a breath analysis test and a thorough examination from NY’s top lung specialist. It’s always fun when you’re the only person under the age of 70 in a doctor’s office – as if I’m not neurotic enough about my health lately. The end results of this never ending ordeal are a probable fractured rib (an upgrade from probable strained chest muscle) from having coughed too hard a month ago, and some lingering asthma-like respiratory issues.

The x-rays didn’t show a fracture, but sometimes it takes an MRI (which I’ll have in a month if the pain is still there) to find one. Besides, the cure for a fractured rib is "taking it easy," which is basically all I’ve been doing for the last two fucking months. This also doesn’t explain why the pain has been worse lately. I am also now using a steroid inhaler every day for a month to see if that helps with the breathing/coughing issues. The only side affect from the inhaler is that it can cause a throat fungus that produces bad breath if you don’t gargle after using it. That’s fun.

The breath analysis test was much more of an ordeal than I expected. I was closed inside an air-tight chamber that looked like a futuristic mini-car (view from inside above) and performed assorted breathing exercises (deep breath/fast exhale, deep breath/pant, deep breath/hold for ten seconds/fast exhale). The guy conducting the test kept making me repeat the exercises, as I wasn’t breathing to his liking. I tried explaining that it felt like someone was jamming a screwdriver into my side every time I took a deep breath, but he was undeterred and kept swinging his arms up and down, trying to coax the breath out of me like a conductor in front of an orchestra that isn’t playing with enough oomph.

Fortunately the breath tests came back fine, although I kind of wish they hadn’t – I’m starting to think I’m going crazy. The whole thing is just depressing the hell out me lately. I just want to be able to exercise and breathe normally, that’s all. I’m starting to think evil thoughts every time I see a jogger.

One of the benefits of working for a large pharmaceutical company is that your colleagues tend to:

1. Take an (occasionally excessive) interest in your health and
2. Have good doctor/medical recommendations

When the guy I work with who hooked me up with the doctor in the first place heard what medication I was put on, he said, "Oh, we’re discontinuing that." Good to know, thanks.

I’m also having an echocardiogram next week, just to rule out any heart-issues.

(Sorry the blog has descended into such health/monkey nonsense. I’ll try to do better next week.)

Monday, October 09, 2006

reflecting on the bus



We’re on the Limoliner Bus on our way home from Boston, which has proven to be a waste of money (it’s would have been worth the extra $75 to ride Amtrak). Despite the ample legroom, free food and Internet access, a bus is still a bumpy, jerky bus. More importantly, it is a vehicle affected by traffic, which we have caught plenty of in both directions. The Limoliner is Greyhound after a shower in its Sunday best, but I for one ain’t fooled.

We came to Boston to meet our nephew, who is as fascinating and wonderful as a one-week old can be. He sleeps for 20 – 22 hours a day, and so far, is a pretty mellow, very cute baby. It’s pretty fascinating, the whole creating another human being thing.

I also got to see my friend Fez and his girlfriend, Maggie. We used to play in a band together many moons ago, and are now going to start working as a production team. Over dinner and drinks we laid out the plan for a couple of projects.

The last time I was in Boston (almost exactly a year ago), I had taken the bus up to see Fez for the first time in years. We had recently got back in touch and I was looking forward to us catching up. About a month before I came to visit he had started chemo treatments for lymphoma. Fez, a perfectly healthy, yoga-teaching 29-year old had a tumor in his collarbone. I was nervous about what kind of condition he’d be in physically, but other than having lost most of his hair, he looked the same.

What he really wanted was just to laugh and have a good time to take his mind off his upcoming chemo treatment, and I was glad to oblige him. We had a great weekend together and I left happy to have re-established a good friendship and feeling like he’d be O.K.

When I got on the (Chinatown) bus to go home, there was an empty seat next to me. Right before the bus left, a harried woman a few years younger than me fell into the empty seat. As the bus took off, she began to cry quietly, and did so for the next ten or fifteen minutes. I wasn’t sure what to do. I tried to think of what I would want from a stranger sitting next to me if I were in a similar state, and opted not to say anything. Once she collected herself she fell asleep for a little while and we traveled the whole time in silence.

As the bus neared its Chinatown stop, she asked me a subway question, and I gave her the best directions I could. She had just moved to New York, she said, and was completely overwhelmed by trying to navigate the city. She went on to explain that the reason she was crying was that she had been visiting her boyfriend who had cancer and that he wasn’t doing very well. I said that I was sorry to hear that, and told her about visiting Fez. She asked a few questions about his condition (she used to work in a cancer ward) and said it sounded like he’d be all right. Then she looked away, probably thinking about her boyfriend.

Soon after, the bus came to a stop and we got off. As she walked away, I realized how horrible it was, not asking her what was wrong earlier in the trip. She was lonely, going through a devastating experience and would surely have appreciated some conversation. Over the next few days I kept playing the experience over in my head and feeling worse and worse every time.

I’ve made strides in my emotional development since then – at the time I was much more closed off (so much so that I actually thought it was O.K. to just let someone cry). But still, I’ll never have the opportunity to fix those four hours of silence. I am reminded that inaction, despite often feeling like the safer choice, is an action unto itself – and often a severe one at that.

Riding the bus home this time, I am thankful to have a beautiful, healthy nephew and that my friend beat cancer, but I am also reminded of that poor woman and that I’ll never get to tell her how sorry I am.

Friday, October 06, 2006

the chocolate fix

When I was in Elementary school I always tricked myself into getting excited for the annual candy or bulb sales. You know, the ones where if you sell a certain number of generic chocolate bars or geranium bulbs you get a prize? The thing is, year after year I failed miserably. I hated going door to door, and by the time I got up the nerve, the other kids in the neighborhood had cleaned up.

I was astounded, year after year, when kids like Danny Matheson, with his perfect little bowl-haircut, produced hundreds of dollars worth of sales. Seeing me upset, my parents shook their heads and always said the same thing: “Their parents bring that stuff into their offices and sell it there.” They said this as if it was some heinous, immoral act. I imagined moms and dads pimping dark chocolate and tulips to their hapless co-workers.

By fifth grade I’d had enough – I was determined to at least claim a low-level prize (a pair of cheap headphones or maybe a wiffle-ball set). After dropping off my backpack at home, I raced out to get a jump on the other kids with the confidence of a life-long salesman – I would be a closer, I would close.

Walking out the door and across the front lawn, I took a right turn down our street, Elsmere Ave. I decided to skip our neighbors’ house. They were an older couple with a middle-aged son who had been working on his car every day for years, usually wearing a wife beater and boxers. I was too young at the time to realize that there was something seriously wrong with him, not the car. Regardless, he still freaked me out.

Next up was Mr. Wilson’s house. He was the oldest person on the block (probably in his seventies), but would still come out and toss the football around with my friends and I sometimes, even though it took every muscle in his body just to throw it ten feet. “Did you know they named an award after my wife at the high school when she died?” he’d ask us. “Yes.” we’d say, wondering why he couldn’t remember that he’d already told us.

I rang the bell and when he came to the door and saw me, his face lit up. “I’m selling flower bulbs,” I said, “Would you like to buy some?”
“Well, sure.” He said, reaching down to take the catalogue from me. He flipped a page and pointed to a moderately sized Spring ensemble. “I’ll take these.” He said.
“Thanks, Mr. Wilson!” I said, and skipped back down his front walkway.

Ecstatic from the thrill of the sale, I figured I’d treat myself to a break. Even the best salesmen need to put their feet up every once in a while. Back at home my mom was so proud of me that she agreed to buy some bulbs – the first and last time this ever happened. Although these would be my only sales (and my only attempted sales, at that), it would be enough to reach that lower tier of prizes – not a Walkman, but something at least. After I delivered the bulbs and collected the money I’d get to choose my prize.

A month later when the bulbs came, it was time to deliver and collect. I headed out to Mr. Wilson’s house with his bulbs, practically shaking with excitement. When he came to the door he looked at me differently than usual. “Can I help you?” He said.
“Hi, Mr. Wilson,” I said, “I’ve got the bulbs you ordered.”
“Oh, no thanks,” He said, “I don’t want any.” and shut the door.

I was bawling by the time I got home. I couldn’t understand why he’d do such a thing. My mom tried to explain Alzheimer’s to me and said she’d pay for the bulbs, but it didn’t matter – I was devastated.

*********

Now I work in corporate America, and around the corner my co-worker Sybel sells chocolate for her kids. There’s no pressure to buy – she just leaves the box on the counter by her desk and the product sells itself. To this day I have no idea why my parents had such a problem with this, although I imagine it might have less to do with the act itself and more to do with the growth of capitalism.

It doesn’t matter though, because I’m Sybel’s best customer. Every day after lunch I can hear the chocolate bars calling to me from around the corner. And some days if I’m still there after she’s gone, I’ll go into her desk and find the box, taking a chocolate crisp bar and leaving a dollar in the envelope. What can I say? I’m a buyer, not a seller.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

califamily



My Aunt Janie and My Uncle Chris stayed with us last night. They have spent the last week driving from Santa Cruz, CA to Maine (along with wonder-dog, Lucky), and were on their way down to D.C. to see my parents before heading out to Arkansas. Fortunately they managed to park their truck right on the block, so they could schlep everything right upstairs (the back of the truck is "locked" by Velcro).

It was fun to watch them take the neighborhood in. They both talked to strangers that walked by, which made me extremely nervous, even though it’s a perfectly normal human thing to. When I told my uncle that I probably couldn’t pick most of my neighbors out of a police lineup, he was horrified. Even Lucky refused to adapt to local ways – when another dog stopped to check him out, he just kind of leaned his head on the dog’s back instead of doing that whole spastic New York dog greeting thing. My aunt explained to the other dog’s owner that Lucky was a California dog and that they were visiting the neighborhood. The man smiled and said a couple of words quietly in broken English.

Walking around the neighborhood, they were fascinated with all the bike messengers delivering takeout from the restaurants on Smith Street, and the fact that anything you need is a short walk away. After dinner, we sat around our dining room table telling stories and laughing. My sister grilled my aunt about family info, which is scarce, due to assorted grudges and death. I got some good bonding time in with Lucky, who seemed right at home in a brownstone apartment, despite the fact that every time he went downstairs, he kept confusing the second floor apartment for the front door. What he lacks in wits he makes up for in charm.

This morning they got up at 6:30 without an alarm clock, as they apparently do everyday, and started getting ready to go. Returning from the bathroom, my uncle asked me if we had lost a toy monkey. Since he likes to tease, I figured Julia had told him about my neurotic monkey episodes as of late. He wasn’t kidding, though – he had dropped something behind the toilet, and when he bent down to pick it up, he saw the monkey under the bathtub. And so the mystery is solved. As to why someone at Julia’s party felt the need to bring him into the bathroom – I’d just rather not go there.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

salito



As of very early Saturday morning, I am now an uncle. Congratulations, Bobby and Wendy. And welcome to the world, baby Sal.