every breath I take

I spent large portions of yesterday and the day before waiting for and enduring assorted medical procedures, including a series of x-rays, a breath analysis test and a thorough examination from NY’s top lung specialist. It’s always fun when you’re the only person under the age of 70 in a doctor’s office – as if I’m not neurotic enough about my health lately. The end results of this never ending ordeal are a probable fractured rib (an upgrade from probable strained chest muscle) from having coughed too hard a month ago, and some lingering asthma-like respiratory issues.

The x-rays didn’t show a fracture, but sometimes it takes an MRI (which I’ll have in a month if the pain is still there) to find one. Besides, the cure for a fractured rib is "taking it easy," which is basically all I’ve been doing for the last two fucking months. This also doesn’t explain why the pain has been worse lately. I am also now using a steroid inhaler every day for a month to see if that helps with the breathing/coughing issues. The only side affect from the inhaler is that it can cause a throat fungus that produces bad breath if you don’t gargle after using it. That’s fun.

The breath analysis test was much more of an ordeal than I expected. I was closed inside an air-tight chamber that looked like a futuristic mini-car (view from inside above) and performed assorted breathing exercises (deep breath/fast exhale, deep breath/pant, deep breath/hold for ten seconds/fast exhale). The guy conducting the test kept making me repeat the exercises, as I wasn’t breathing to his liking. I tried explaining that it felt like someone was jamming a screwdriver into my side every time I took a deep breath, but he was undeterred and kept swinging his arms up and down, trying to coax the breath out of me like a conductor in front of an orchestra that isn’t playing with enough oomph.

Fortunately the breath tests came back fine, although I kind of wish they hadn’t – I’m starting to think I’m going crazy. The whole thing is just depressing the hell out me lately. I just want to be able to exercise and breathe normally, that’s all. I’m starting to think evil thoughts every time I see a jogger.

One of the benefits of working for a large pharmaceutical company is that your colleagues tend to:

1. Take an (occasionally excessive) interest in your health and
2. Have good doctor/medical recommendations

When the guy I work with who hooked me up with the doctor in the first place heard what medication I was put on, he said, "Oh, we’re discontinuing that." Good to know, thanks.

I’m also having an echocardiogram next week, just to rule out any heart-issues.

(Sorry the blog has descended into such health/monkey nonsense. I’ll try to do better next week.)