rain

Weather is the ultimate fallback conversation topic; it never fails. I use it with cab drivers, my barber, doctors, etc. Two years in Iowa gave me enough weather jargon for life. When we were having a yard sale before we left, I casually referred to the recent weather as “dry as a bone” while Julia watched in horror. I guess it was time to leave.

Everywhere I’ve lived people always talk about how crazy the weather is “here.” Also, everywhere I’ve lived people talk about how crazy everyone drives “here” and how expensive real estate has gotten “here.” At this rate, ten years from now we’ll all be racing around in our live-in SUVs (since none of us will be able to afford housing), cutting each other off and rear-ending each other, while swerving to avoid flash tornados and mudslides. Surely global warming has had an effect on the unpredictability (or at least the severity) of weather in recent years, but I think this says more about us than anything. As technology continues to allow for more control over more aspects of our lives, the fact that we still can’t stop it from raining, dammit, is all the more glaring.

It’s raining right now. I don’t have the stats to back it up, but I swear, it only rains in New York on Monday mornings and Friday evenings in the Spring. I hate rain. I like getting wet on my own terms, preferably when I’m not wearing glasses. Few things make me as uncomfortable as having wet socks. I hate everything about umbrellas: having to buy ANOTHER crappy one at a newsstand because I forgot mine again, dodging the people on the street who use those family sized monstrosity umbrellas, and most of all, the “thrust your inverted umbrella into the wind so that it’s no longer inside-out” motion that’s just downright humiliating. If I ever had to live in Seattle things would get ugly.

Whenever someone gleefully says "I love the rain!" or "I love the cold!" I'm always ashamed for them. I'm sure there are people that love torture or infectious disease, but at least they keep it to themselves. It's not like there aren't ways to deal with this. "I love the rain, but I'm getting help." I'll accept that.

I’m aware that rain is necessary for certain environmental things like the growth of plants and washing the stink off the Lower East Side in the summer, but I don’t care. I want to live in a world where moisture is injected into the soil. I’m done with seasons – I hate the cold, too. I want to live in California, but not when it’s raining. Now I have to go out and run errands and dodge the big umbrellas and do the inverted umbrella wind thing. At least I remembered to bring my crappy umbrella today. If only it were dry as a bone…